Falling in Love

Eros and Psyche (artist unknown)

“Falling in love is a pleasant form of narrowing consciousness, in which complex recognition plays a major role.”

This is (according to Karen Hamaker Zondag in the book: ‘het projectie mechanisme’) a saying about falling in love by Carl Jung. There is no exact source known so we are not sure. Let’s dive into what this means. 

It is not the most romantic definition of falling in love but very honest. The emotion that comes from falling in love can only arise out of a complex. We see important parts of ourselves (complexes) in another. That can give a very strong feeling of connection (amplified we can call this trauma bonding).

Our psyche loves to make us fall in love when we become too one-sided in ego consciousness. When we get ‘off-track’. If a current relationship is not working well, or if a partner starts to develop in a very different way, we can project traits that were in ‘sleeping mode’ onto a different person. These emotions have nothing to do with that other person. We will find that out, sooner or later. Sometimes too late. 

There is something specific that strikes you about that person. You can try to see this person as a dream symbol. To find out the symbolic meaning of this projection. The complex that creates this projection is the same source of our images in dreams. You can try to use association just like you do with dream symbols. This might bring to light what it is that fires you up. 

For example: Johnny Depp, what would be your first association with him? 

Without thinking, your first response. 

It might be a free pirate, a freedom fighter. How are you longing for freedom? Freedom from what?

A complex is neutral, both positive and negative, a structure in the psyche. According to the model of Carl Jung, the complex is situated in the personal unconscious. For example, the mother complex is formed by your experiences, filled with memories, images, stories, paintings etc. Your idea about nurturing can be an image of the mother complex. The energy is coming from the archetype of the mother which is a collective symbol we get printed in our psyche at birth. A complex can be filled with personal but also cultural images of the mother. As a man, you might fall in love with a woman that carries the traits from your mother complex or a certain specific trait that wants to come to the surface in your own too one-sided ego. It might be time to nurture yourself. Are you unconsciously projecting the nurturing onto your spouse? Integrate that part of the mother complex. A complex is not pathological, only when we deny we have a complex, it becomes a pathology. The part of the quote about narrowing consciousness is that you tend to see this one specific aspect of the person and project the goddess of fertility (nourishing, nurturing) onto her. You do not see much else. Later you will get a more human and realistic view. This is the moment where you can find out if it will be ‘real’ love. As soon as the projection of the goddess is over. 

In India, Robert Johnson (Jungian Analyst and author) experienced people going to their temple, be in touch with the numinous. They did their yoga, their rituals and went home and treat their spouse as a normal human being. They do not expect their spouse to glow in the dark, so they do not have to. They encounter the divine through their own spiritual practice and do not expect those from their human relationships.

India (Sanskrit) has 96 words for Love. In the West, we struggle to define different forms of love with our limited vocabulary. Our romantic love and falling in love are not very healthy forms of love. We could learn something from the love at a more human plane in the Eastern world.

Conclusion: Falling in love is a projection of the religious experience onto the other. There is too much numinosity for the ego to handle, and marriage is not an adequate container for it. It is a sort of psychosis. - Asking the other to carry the archetypal energy is simply insane. No human being can carry that kind of energy, we will try, but we will never succeed - Robert A. Johnson in Slender Threads (a video interview by J. Pittman McGehee, 2002).

If you would like to read more about this concept, I recommend the book: We, by Robert A. Johnson. He will work with the myth of Eros and Psyche to discuss on the art of love in our Western society.